I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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