he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
