I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
