i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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