just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
