i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
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I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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