I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
