I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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