I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
