Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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