don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
