I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
