I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
