I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
