I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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