I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
