I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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