Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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