Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?