Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
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It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?