Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
