if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
