cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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