Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
