She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
