nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I think my fart just growled at me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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