I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
