That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
