My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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