hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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