I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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