There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
