Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
