dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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