So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
