My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
