apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
