She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
