Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
