He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize