When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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