Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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