just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
