I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I met the friendliest cop last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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