Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize