Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize