so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
