I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
