I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
