Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
