Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
