chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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