so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
