I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
