If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
