Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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