I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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